The Power of Process Praise

Vijaya Nane

Leader, Coach, aspiring Psychologist

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Why how we appreciate matters more than what we appreciate.

You ask your 3-year-old to pick up her/his toys and put them back in the place and the child promptly responds to your request and you compliment – you are such a good girl/boy- you are so sweet.

You keep encouraging the child with your appreciation whenever a good thing is done as good girl/good boy and when they do something that is not appropriate saying don’t do that - and they continue to do that we say bad boy/bad girl. 

Mummy is angry with you or you don’t listen etc.

The child becomes a little older and comes back from school with a A+ grade – we celebrate and say I am so proud of you – you are so intelligent. 

The child tops the class parents tell everyone that the child is so smart and intelligent and you feel absolutely blessed.

A few years pass you start noticing the grades are not as good as they used to be. 

You are worried. Now when you ask, the child says the teacher is partial to girls or boys depending on the gender of your child – they feel the teacher favours other gender or the questions are out of syllabus. 

You also sympathize with the child because you strongly believe that the child has been a great student all along and this poor performance must have got something to do with external factors, like the teacher or out of syllabus questions.

Slowly you start seeing your child sliding and reaching the stage of mediocracy and you start worrying about their admission into any good college.

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How could we have prevented a good and committed child from becoming mediocre and how we could have made a brilliant student out?

As adults we need to be mindful of our intent and what impact it has on the children.

Intent is what you have in your mind and the impact is what the child feels or perceives. 

When the child has done something that is good or bad – as parents we should separate the behavior from the child. 

Like getting a great score is very good – so while sharing the appreciation always ensure you appreciate the process over the person. 

Let me explain – when the child achieved a great score or something in extra curricular activity which makes you really proud – convey to the child that you are so proud to see the achievement and immediately reinforce the process like

“ everyday you study/practice  regularly without fail – that is really amazing and it is giving these results."

When parents appreciate the child as you are intelligent, smart or great the child believes that they are really great and believe the praise belongs to them, and do not establish co relation between behavior and results. 

By the time they grow up and understand the co-relation, it is generally late and we lost the opportunity of early positive reinforcement, as parents we are not helping the child to see the power of regular practice or the strength of discipline at the right time.

So, the key is separate the behavior and the child and make sure at every possible opportunity reinforce the right behavior, like when your 3 year old puts the toys in their place –

instead of saying you are good or you are smart  or you always listen to Mama– tell them that 

“ after playing you always keep your toys neatly in their place – that is really very good and helpful”.

Whatever could be the age of your child – start practicing this to understand its power. 

Reinforce the process making it as explainable as possible – like – you always sit at one place for the defined period of 2 hours without distractions, have a time table, you always practice by writing etc. This helps the child to reinforce the right habits and make them strong.